


actions and words

by sugodemic



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drabble, Emotional Constipation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 04:03:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6314536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugodemic/pseuds/sugodemic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"we're gonna be fine." his stomach lurches and he feels sick, but his voice is casual. "you know that right?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	actions and words

**Author's Note:**

> requested by [anonnie](http://bottomnamjoon.tumblr.com/post/141434135417/tumblr-got-all-laggy-so-idk-if-you-got-my-message): yoonseok, "i want to sleep forever" + "i'll always have your back" from [ask meme](http://bottomnamjoon.tumblr.com/post/141402848882/five-word-sentences)

yoongi sleeps sometimes, some days more than others. periods of insomnia lapse into a collapse, hours and hours of sleep that have no end or beginning, some sort of incoherent exhaustion that can't communicate emotionally and so it sinks its teeth into the physical.

hoseok knows a more psychological unrest that slips all at once into vomiting of the words and the body, and diarrhea that's embarrassingly the same, sometimes even happening at once, hoseok huddled on the toilet with his legs up at his chest, talking to yoongi through the door. it's gross and embarrassing and horrible but it's love if he's ever known it.

with yoongi, it's little things, knife sharp inconsistencies in his fixed daily routines. it's being late for school, not looking the teachers in the eye, not noticing when someone needs an extra pencil, forgetting his camera, not giving hoseok that look that says "the hell are you looking at?" it's a lack of energy that isn't completely within his control, a sort of listlessness that he'd reject if he could.

hoseok calls it depression, maybe not clinical but valid depression however brief or situational. yoongi calls it valid when it's hoseok's and grudgingly admits it's real when it's his mom's and when it's his to look back at, he calls it being lazy, wanting to sleep forever.

hoseok comes over to study every day when his mom is working, not for any rebellious reason. he just doesn't like being alone half the time, when he's actually alone. he likes being alone when there's someone in reach, but when everything is still and his brain short-circuits over world history, he wants someone to be alone with. yoongi is perfect for that.

(yoongi is perfect.)

it's also because yoongi worries about hoseok being home alone. contrary to his sleek clothing (via department stores, thrift stores, family friends, and the clearance section) and expensive dance classes (you can't judge a book by its cover), hoseok doesn't live in a good area but he can handle himself. his senses are sharp (he's known to cry out when someone's chair falls) and he's street smart (he's walked a few people home for their safety). fear and suspicion underneath copious amounts of social awareness is his best weapon and yoongi's is well-directed rage used as gasoline. yoongi trusts that, believes in him, but he'd much rather hoseok handle himself where he can see.

also known as: kids of single moms have to stick together. (that's the excuse they agreed on.)

hoseok lets himself in, flings his backpack onto the couch, and breathes a coat of febreeze over dust, cigarette smoke in the carpet around carpet freshener spilled on the loveseat where they had their first kiss. and the strong smell of dark coffee burning in a coffeepot that wasn’t unplugged and an open window that brings in a soft must of stale rain and lingering wetness.

he opens all the windows, draws the curtains, keeps his socks on over the carpet in the living room or else his feet will come up dusty, and he is purposefully loud. he likes filling the space he's in. people say his energy is powerful and hoseok is a responsible person, even though it's not like he asked for it.

yoongi pads downstairs with dark eyes, hand resting under his shirt and on his belly like he's just finished scratching his dick and got stuck there. he's still in the jeans and hoodie he wore at school, and the look he gives hoseok is deadly. "fuck, hi—"

"hey!" hoseok says back. "yoongi—"

yoongi squints. "um no, i don't want to." that's in reply to the open windows and hoseok's energy and extroversion.

hoseok closes the gap between them. "haven't even said anything yet," he whines, lips pressed against the base of yoongi's jaw. yoongi shudders. hoseok inhales. he smells like fabric softener, like a blanket fresh out of the wash and mixed with the musk of boy and the tang of a microscopic drop of spilled coffee and the creamer too. "you good?"

yoongi throws his arms around him and digs his fingertips in his back, so quick that maybe it never happened. "i'm fine."

hoseok straightens up. smiles. "so, what were you saying? what don't you want to do?"

yoongi gestures with his hand, a wide and all-encompassing wave that says _this, that, anything, everything_. then he shrugs like he's taking it all back. "anyway i'm hungry."

hoseok throws his arm around yoongi, nuzzles into his hair. "we should get something to eat. go on a study date. like, a real one."

"there's leftover pizza in the fridge."

"it would be fun."

"it would be weird."

"we've been on dates before."

"yeah but all i'd think about is what it's like to work there. i just—want to stay here." yoongi pulls back. he sounds overwhelmed. "i mean, i've got to get a job. it's not really a big deal. i've done it before. i've just been... thinking too much, and i need to stop."

hoseok gets quiet. "money," he says ironically, and it's their own way of communicating in very few words, just a tangle of eye contact and tone and numerous shared experiences. his voice is equal parts soft and defeated, bitter and accepting, about the power of a piece of paper. his light mood is strategic. he knows how yoongi works.

"yep. money," yoongi confirms, unaffected, smooth, a laugh in his throat. he rolls his eyes but sits down on the last stair like he can't handle his weight anymore. "money and college apps and my shitty dreams and more shit i can't pay for. rest in peace grades." he laughs. "blood, sweat, tears, and dollar signs, y'know? that kinda puts a damper on things. i see why they didn't include that in the saying."

hoseok eases down beside him. they're both really quiet for a while and hoseok can tell it's bothering him. usually he'd complain, try to handle it all on his own, get a job without saying a word, but he can only think of one thing that'd make yoongi spiral like this. "yoongi, a job won't change things. it won't take up too much time. we're gonna be fine." his stomach lurches and he feels sick, but his voice is casual. "you know that right?"

yoongi parts his lips to take in a deep breath through his mouth and looks through the railing to the living room, hoseok at his other side. he squeezes his hands together. "yeah." he sways, leans against hoseok but refuses to meet his gaze, and hoseok's eyes don't leave him.

"is this making you think about how we're going to different colleges?" hoseok asks.

and it takes a full minute but yoongi flinches like he's been punched, he visibly flinches and it's not pretty, it's never pretty the way he crumbles.

yoongi tugs at hoseok's hair and tangles himself up and shoves him against the wall. he kisses him hard enough to hurt, hard enough to scratch, hard enough to last. his eyes are closed and he doesn't say anything, breath dragging in his throat, and hoseok's pliant, eyes squeezed shut, receiving, receiving so much pent-up vulnerability it makes his veins burn. 

yoongi gasps and trembles. his lips rest on hoseok's, achingly still, shaking, shaken. he holds onto hoseok's white t-shirt impossibly tight, hoping to leave holes, hoping to leave some kind of permanent mark. "why did you bring that up?" his fingers rake down hoseok's chest across the shirt. "why the fuck did you bring that up? i was fine, i was fucking fine and you just had to—" 

hoseok's tongue enters yoongi's mouth and yoongi opens up to him desperately, grip on hoseok pulsing and fluttering before it goes limp. yoongi hyperventilates, stiff and frenzied and holding on for dear life and in reply, hoseok evens his own breathing and pulls yoongi into his lap, hands secure on either side of his face while he tilts into him.

yoongi's lips flutter along hoseok's and his expression slackens and he breaks off, lips wet with tears. 

"because i'll always have your back, okay?"

**Author's Note:**

> i just really like making yoongi cry. the relatable way he handles his emotions makes the release cathartic when it finally, _finally_ happens
> 
> writing tumblr @ bottomnamjoon  
> main tumblr @ sugodemic


End file.
